Apolitically Incorrect » A Pitiful and Pathetic Story

Man Upset at Laptop

It may just be me, but I find it tremendously ironic that we spend so much of time in the thrall of computers. I mean, if a computer goes out, it completely destroys the ability of far too many people to get anything done.

Consider a quick example. Last week, while out to lunch with my Dad at the Cheesecake Factory, the power went out and computer systems died. The entire place just stopped working. People weren’t able to place their orders or receive their food. My Dad and I ended up splitting his pasta because mine wasn’t put into the system before it went down. (This was okay, since the Cheesecake Factory serving sizes are enormous and I still felt bloated on even half an order of pasta).

And even though lunch was still great, this experience reveals an important point. Why, exactly, is modern society so in thrall to computer systems? A restaurant is perfectly capable of operating without a fancy, just-in-time computer tracking system. Waitresses can still take orders, chefs can still prepare food and people can still eat. Yet … the place completely fell apart without their computers.

The truly ironic bit, however, is that it hasn’t always been this way. Within the living memory of most people (including me), life happened without computers. People managed to get our work done, communicate with loved ones, and stay on top of the news. And while the big beige boxes make all of these tasks easier, it is still possible to perform them without a computer.

Theoretically, at least.

I should know. My main computer decided to die last week. If computers could have sudden heart attacks, stroke or collapse, it would have been that kind of death. The little thing was cruising along just great and … I suddenly got a weird memory error. Then it wouldn’t boot. Then the hard drive started making really weird noises (like a pig when it’s been sleep deprived). That really scared me, so I called Dell technical support.

Luckily, Dell has excellent technical support. Or … it does if you pay for it. I have many friends who have purchased Dell systems and spent frustrated hours talking to people in either India or China with neither person really understanding the other. But in nearly ten years of using Dell products I am (happily) unable to share these frustrations. While I have spoken to many an Indian or Chinese person, they are usually named Garvin and live somewhere in Ohio.

The secret to avoiding frustration, pessimism and homicide lies in clicking the little box next to “Extended Warranty.” It might add two or three hundred dollars to the price of the machine, but I can testify from the last several days that it is worth every penny. Consider my case: my machine is nearly three years old and while it has been rock solid for all of those years, computers (especially laptops which get used A LOT) don’t often last much longer than the typical three year shelf life. Luckily, I have a four year warranty on it.

When I called Dell and described the problem, the technician made me run a few diagnostics. However, we both had to acknowledge (rather quickly) that it’s very hard run diagnostics on machine that won’t boot. He authorized a replacement mother board and dispatched a technician to come to my house to fix it. The technician arrived the next day. Awesome!

Except … that didn’t fix the problem. While the machine will now boot, it is extremely unhappy. I have never had problems with the dread Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) … until yesterday afternoon. So I called the support people back and made all kinds of accusations. They calmly talked me down and said that they will be sending another technician out to replace essentially everything (system board, CPU, wireless card, graphics card, etc). If that doesn’t fix it, they’ll exchange the system. Just to clarify, they are basically giving me a new computer.

And I didn’t even need to have a fit. After the initial diagnostic, I didn’t have to justify, make up stories, or yell. (The fact that I might have yelled just a bit is completely irrelevant to this story. The points is, I didn’t have to yell.) The parts and computer technician will be here tomorrow. There’s nothing like fantastic turnaround service! Crazy awesome!

There’s just one hitch, I am going to be completely useless for another day. Sure … If I wanted to be productive, I probably could be. (After all, I have an absolutely killer backup, sync and share configuration which guarantees that all of my files are available in duplicate and in some cases triplicate.) But who wants to be productive?

Maybe this explains why people are so powerless without their computers. It’s just an excuse for us to be useless and powerless. There a certain degree of liberation in uselessness. If the computer doesn’t work, it can’t possibly be my fault that the work didn’t get done. It’s a technical failure, not a personal one.

Thus, if you will excuse me, I need to go enjoy the rest of my day. I’ve got a fantastic excuse to be both useless and powerless.